homeland insecurity

On June 12, this column, "Out Of My Mind," switched over to high def digital. Old analog people will no longer be able to read it unless they get a converter. If you are able to see this right now, you will probably be unaffected by the change. If you cannot see this, then ... well, then I guess you’re an old analog person and I don’t need to waste ere ‘nother word on you because you can’t see it anyway.
Nancy Pelosi’s energy bill passed in the House this week. A provision of the new bill will allow the government to build a trillion-million-billion-dollar giant thermostat and place it in orbit around the sun. That way, when it gets too hot here on earth, all we have to do is send an astronaut to the sun where he will dock with the thermostat and adjust the heat. “It’s a simple plan,” Pelosi gushed, “and it’s do-able.” That’s the good news. The bad news is you think I’m kidding.
And in a related story, Obama’s new health care plan includes an Organ of the Month club. July’s organ is a brand new liver. Also, for gold members, that liver comes with onions.
Yeah ... Nancy Pelosi, the first female Speaker of the House ... Barack Obama, the first black president. Practically guarantees no woman or black person will be allowed near those positions ever, ever again.
And I Quote: "(Michael Jackson) was like James Brown, like Barack Obama. They are huge. To us." ~ some anonymous woman in LA mourning Jacko
Michael Jackson, Barack Obama and James Brown. They oughta re?do “On The Town” with those three guys.
Yeah, I know. That joke will work no matter which three names you use, huh.
But what’d that woman mean, Michael Jackson is huge “to us”? If you say “you people,” it’s racist. How’s “to us” different? Anyway, Michael Jackson ran from his blackness. He killed himself trying to be anything but black. Bleached his skin white, eliminated every Afrocentric characteristic from his face, spoke like a little white girl, wore luxurious wigs, married white women. I’m just saying get a grip, that’s all. Guy was brilliant on the one hand and a basket case on the other ... why people gotta smother everything under a big stinking pile of race? Discuss.
There has been so much violence in Chicago this year, they’re actually running out of blood. I kid you not. Within one 24-hour period just last week alone, six men were shot or stabbed to death. Several others were also shot and stabbed, but they survived. It’s so bad, Mayor Daley is calling on the drug dealers, gang bangers, murderers and thugs to please stop with all the shooting and stabbing. But I don’t think the bad guys need to stop killing each other, they just need to do it in a way that don’t overburden Chicago’s medical services. You know, there are many ways a person can commit violent acts of murder without spilling buckets of blood all over everything. For example, there’s poisoning, drowning, strangling ... and that’s just naming three off the top of my head. See if you can think of some others and we’ll send Mayor Daley a list. If they can’t stop killing themselves up there, they can at least be politically correct about it.
In Shelbyville, Tennessee, a couple was arrested on domestic assault charges for yelling and throwing Cheetos at each other. That’s a study in extremes, iddn’t it? Chicago, they’re running out of blood because of the murders, and in Shelbyville you got cops arresting people for throwing puffed corn treats at each other. Like, wouldn’t Chicago love to have Shelbyville’s crime problems. If the worst thing Chicago had to worry about was people throwing Cheetos at each other, they’d probably just let em throw the Cheetos. It’d be such a welcome change, they wouldn’t even bother to make an arrest. Cops might even get in there and throw some Cheetos themselves. Be like a big, cheesy snowball fight.
No, but seriously ... Cheetos as a weapon? Just another example of their versatility.
Oddly enough, that wasn’t the only crime this week involving salty snacks. A woman in Oklahoma City was charged with prostitution after she agreed to have sex with an undercover cop for some potato chips. In the business, that’s what they call a Frito?Lay.
Over in Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad finally admitted that, yes, the election was a little hinky. He admitted that the number of votes he received actually outnumbered eligible voters by about three million. But that was due primarily to the opening of the new Tehran ACORN offices.
North Korea’s Kim Jong Il says he’s gonna fire off a long?range missile at Hawaii on Independence Day to help celebrate the Fourth of July. Says he’s doing it to symbolize the rockets red glare.
And I Quote: "If the U.S. imperialists start another war, the army and people of Korea will ... wipe out the aggressors on the globe once and for all." ~ the official Korean Central News Agency
“Wipe out the aggressors on the globe once and for all”? Sounds like Korea’s using scraps from old Mahmoud Ahmadinejad speeches.
Homeland Security maven Janet Napolitano is axing the U.S. spy satellite program. She said it's cheaper to just use Google Earth. She’s also changing the name of the agency to Homeland Insecurity.
In order to impress union-friendly legislators with the importance of hiring American workers, the AFL?CIO passed around yellow hard hats to every office on Capitol Hill. Only thing, the hard hats all had stickers on them reading, "Made in China." Union leaders blamed the gaffe on "a new staffer." The new staffer turned out to be Vinnie "Three Fingers" Marconi, a foot soldier for the Gambino crime family. Vinnie said he ordered the hard hats from China cause if he’d of got em made in America, it'd be a bunch of junk, fuhgeddaboudit.
A Japanese space scientist has invented "stink?free" underwear. He said you can wear them for a week without stinking. That's nice and all, but anybody wears their drawers for a week, they probably kinda like the stink. To them, that foul, fetid aroma probably sends a message:  Love me, love my body odor. The underwear is also "flame?resistant" ... which is good news if you enjoy lighting your farts with a match, and I know some of you do. But, again, the best part is the week without changing.